6 posts tagged “life”

For the last two years, I've spent much of my time either too intoxicated to care or too sober to care. That really has nothing to do with what I'm thinking right now. I'm laughing to myself just reading it. I nearly deleted it but it was too great to erase from existence. Basically, I've had somewhat of a realization...

Not one of those life altering realizations...well maybe. I just realized that I've been going after women the same way I attracted the last woman in my life. Damn, if I could really explain how often I've beaten myself up and thought about it on a night just like this one. No one here, a glass of wine and an empty bottle.

The fact is...I'm a sad man. Not sad in the emotional sense but sad as a description of the type of man I am. I'm smart, strong, fairly confident and on my way to success. But, I don't provide excitement. Hell I barely provide a laugh lately. Something has changed and it took my damn friends invading my mind with thoughts that I have pushed off for so long. Thoughts that I couldn't believe were true because I had been shown differently from so many other sources. I was a sociology major as well as a comm major and I don't think I've used either one. The things I've learned I have completely ignored.

No longer will I believe the things I see and hear from the popular mediums. Who's to say that man has to behave a certain way to make a woman interested? Who's to say how we should treat each other and what has to be done to get to home plate. Yea, I'm taking it there. Fuck off. Basically the fact of the matter is, society has fed me shit for way too long. I was someone who said fuck society and pop culture but I was living in it. I studied the shit and I was falling victim to it. Well, you know what? Times are about to change. I can see things just a little more clearly and it really bothers me the way I found it. I hate it so much. But I hate what taught me this because it's right. Because I refused to believe it but now it makes sense...all because it finally hit me.

Too many nights like this one. Not enough nights like the ones I really desire. Too many rejections and failures instead of the successes I want. And after all that...I never changed it thinking I was the one that was right and you were the wrong one. Well I secede. You've won boys and I'm in. Time to take up the reigns and take 'em down.

For those that have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about...don't worry about it. This is the most strange thing I've ever written and I'm sure I'll laugh uncontrollably while I read this, but I'll be thinking YES the entire time.

I'm not going to be this guy anymore. I'm going to be more. I'm going to be what I know I can become. And I'm going to show it this time...

I know I know...everyone missed me.

I find myself dragging my feet lately. Not because I'm lazy but rather because I have no energy left. Normally that would be do to the consumption of alcohol or other intoxicants but I've been much more responsible with my body lately. Now it's merely because I feel like I haven't had a break from working in about 4 weeks. It's been nonstop. It's my life and that's depressing. I love my job, don't get me wrong. But in the end, my job is to get publicity for companies so they can make more money. When that's all you do, you start to question things. I'm not questioning my career but rather what I do with my free time. I need a freakin hobby.

I sat down the other day after getting a little time to myself and I thought, "Wow...I really haven't done anything but work recently and that's sad." Where are my adventures? Where are my crazy weekends of exploration and wonderment? Where's the fun at? I can go out with friends and drink and party and yell and scream and do things I regret but that's just not as much fun as you would think. I mean it is but not recently. I have felt so empty lately and that's depressing. There has to be something else out there for me that I'm missing. I need something to really excite me again. A year ago that was work. Now what? What will make me happy to the point that I can hardly control it. Something that will make me smile the biggest smile just because I woke up. It doesn't have to be someone laying next to me because my past has proved that that isn't always what will work.

In fact, I recently had an encounter that would normally make any guy "excited" with the mere anticipation of it. However, when it came time...I was uninterested. I was  not into it at all. I wanted something else but I can't figure out what that is. Think about it this way: have you ever woken up in the middle of the night because something woke you up but you weren't sure what? It wasn't a noise or a bad dream but merely a feeling. I've done that at least 6 times in the last 2 weeks. I just wake up and lay there thinking about who knows what. All I know is that there is something nagging at my brain, my body, the pit of my stomach...and it won't leave me be.

I haven't written anything of value really in the last like 10 posts but whatever. This one is for me because I've got that feeling in the pit of my stomach and I just happen to have a laptop on my lap...

...which turns into a rant/analysis.

It's one of those weeks already. The sad fact that by actually using a phrase like "one of those weeks," I know it sucks. It's probably the impending excitement at a three day weekend that includes the 4th of July. So yea...it's rough.

In order to relax from the past 7 days which includes a night of all night partying with the coworkers, a long weekend at home complete with fishing trip (which was really awesome surprisingly), and finally a there and back trip to San Francisco. I woke up at 5 am on Monday, took a 8 am flight to San Fran and worked all day at of my company's SF office. All day on a proposal for a certain video game company's casual games division that may or may not have made Assassin's Creed. It's shameless but I felt like a kid inside those offices. Fun times. Then I came back to LA on a 7 pm flight arriving back at home around 9 pm only to end with the wrong order from Taco Bell. Lame.

Anywho, to my sociological study. The previous story was to show you where I am right now in my being. Worked was long and blah blah blah. I'm taking it easy actually in my room for a change. It's dirty in here. So I decided to partake in a fabulous lung dart which is not easy to quit (damn you Big Tobacco!). Only when I'm in a certain state of mind.

As I was enjoying my slow death, a group of three people were walking up from the beach (oh yea, remember, I live by the beach and yes it's as awesome as everyone says) and they were conversing about something that I couldn't here nor did I really care. But then something happened that made me think enough to actually sit and write a post. They were obviously enjoying their conversation as they were laughing and all but as they got within 5 feet...silence. I was even courteous and didn't exhale as they passed. But they just stopped and silence. It was as if they were having some uber secret thing going on that not even a stranger in a hooded sweatshirt can here. But it made me laugh because I do the same. We all do. but why? I mean some of my conversations shouldn't really be heard by anyone but not all of them. So why?

Here's my thought. Maybe, going back to that one sociologist that said something about this, we protect our personal circles so much that we the mere entrance of another person without our desire disrupts the space. We all have a personal space and when you put a comfortable balance with people (ie. your homies) then you're good. You'll say nearly anything and that's comfortable. But on the street, we're all socially trained to close off when we pass someone. Now don't take this as me proposing that we talk out loud about anything around anyone. I can't really agree with tha
But it's fun to think about it. People ask why I decided to be a double major. Well if I'm paying the amount I did for school, why not get two degrees out of it. Then people ask, "but why communication and sociology?" Well, communication because I work in the media. And sociology...it's just interesting. I liked going to sociology class. No real homework except to read and the occasional life halting paper or study for that comprehensive final; no, it was discussing the ideas and applying them to everyday situations to try and make sense of our behaviors. Boom, it was great.

So maybe what just happened to me wasn't a grand sociological study but it definitely got my blood moving. Then again, I was smoking a red.

Word.
 

It's May and that means one thing...my lease is almost up. I'm sad and excited to say that I will be moving out ofglorious downtown LA and moving to the Westside. I'll be honest, I'm more excited than anything. Not only will I be a hell of a lot closer to work, but I'll be living two blocks from the beach! Venice Beach to be exact. Home of The Doors, George Yung, super tramps, the last refuge of the hippie culture and every other person who's lost his way and wound up in beautiful Southern California. Needless to say I'm to fit in fairly well.

This is not to say that I'm not a little sad about leaving my downtown hub. I mean, it is downtown LA and nothing is better than the reaction I get from people when I tell them I live there. People always seem to be concerned that you're going to get stabbed down there or something. I can honestly say that in the last year that I've lived there, not once have I ever been scared walking downtown at night. Mainly cause I've been somewhere drinking copious amounts and the only thing on my mind is usually trying to get home to eat or continue the intoxication efforts. It's not as unsafe as everyone thinks especially with all the new developments downtown.

I will also miss my crew. It's safe to say that I've spent the last year hanging out regularly with the same people and that is by no means a complaint. We've had one hell of a ride the last year and I wouldn't have had my first year of college any other way. I'm glad I'll be living with my friend Dave rather than alone as awkward silences are killer...especially when you live alone. I'm sure I'll stay in contact with my crew and we'll continue to dominate like no other so I'm not worried. It'll just be different. We'll be moving our efforts to the westside soon enough.

I'll be moving within the next month and I hope to bring more time and energy to my writing. It's not like I'm writing a novel here but it's been a great outlet these last few months and all my friends/neighbors on Vox have made me feel welcome. It's nice to know people read this every once and a while. My hope is to buy a new camera and start meeting some interesting people on the Venice boardwalk. Could be quite the adventure.

Until then, I just want to provide two quick lists of my Top 5 worst things about downtown and Top 5 best things about downtown:

Top 5 Best Things about Living Downtown:
5. People think you're either a baller or hardcore to be living downtown...or just crazy.
4. Several bars are downtown giving you the opportunity to stumble to the bars and home from the bars.
3. The Staples Center is so close you can literally walk to Lakers' games...if we could afford tickets (at least there are free passes to the Rhino)
2. You really feel like an urbanite and LA becomes your bitch.
1. I may have hated my building in the end, but living downtown gives you a great view of one great city.

Top 5 Worst Things about Living Downtown:
5. Traffic exists on and off the freeways.
4. Sometimes you forget you're still living in an English speaking country (I love other cultures and all but if you're living in the States, learn some fuckin English)
3. No one wants to visit you downtown because of bums/muggers/bad parking/fear of losing valuables/having to navigate the mysterious one way street terrain
2. Everyone you meet in the bars is either a) completely full of shit, b) annoying as shit, c) a piece of shit, or d) smells like shit (that is not meant to be offensive but a bunch of people in a tiny bar start to smell)
1. Living downtown can really make you feel trapped in it. You need to really make the extra effort to get out.

So there it is. One month to go and who knows what crazy adventures will happen before the move out. It's been interesting so far and I expect nothing less these last few weeks.

Word.

It's a beautiful Monday here in sunny Los Angeles and I've got a front row seat to the Pacific Ocean...right outside my window at work. It's a nice view and all but somewhat depressing. Ah well. I'm in good health and I need the money.

So this past weekend was quite entertaining. I got to see my little brother (little as in younger; he's 15 and he's nearly bigger than me) perform in High School Musical as Chad, Troy's best friend. I can honestly say I was shocked at his performance. Not only did he have stage presence but he sang. He may have been a little tone deaf but it still takes balls to get up in front of that many people and sing a song from High School Musical. He did showcase some impressive dance moves which, of course, made me very proud. It was a great reminder of how disconnected I've been from the immediate family. As long as they know I still love them no matter how much they annoy me. And I'm very proud of my little brother for finding something he really loves to do. Who knows? Maybe he'll become a big time actor and I can go to some swanky Hollywood parties. It could happen.

So my Friday night/Sat morning was splendid. As I stated in my previous post, it was a strange weekend. I've been single for a while but I get my fun every once and a while so it keeps me sane. This time though, I wasn't so happy with myself. I mean, I never really am happy with myself but this time was like the final straw. I felt more than empty I felt this ridiculous longing for something better. Something real again. Something that made you smile in the morning. You ever had someone the next morning ask you what you're thinking about full on knowing they want you to respond with some kind of compliment or a form of positive reinforcement? Yea, well try that but when you respond nothing, you full on know that you're thinking of someone else. Oh it was shitty. Made me feel shitty. And it made me want to get the fudge out! haha. I had to get home to Redlands anyway.

You know what's great about waking up in a women's place though? The shower. Now, I used to be all down with shared showers and to an extent I am if you're my girlfriend. But if you're not, get the fudge out. I like my showers because there's no noise and no one to interrupt. Relaxation. So why the women's shower though? You women have the greatest products for the shower! The loofah was a great invention and most guys are too self conscious to own one but you women always have them. The bath soap was warm vanilla sugar and the shampoo/conditioner left my hair feeling like a million bucks. The towels are all big and comfy. AH! I love it. It's not going to make me buy it for myself because I spend my money on much more important things...like food and beer.

So yes, shower was awesome even if I wasn't happy with myself. I was able to wash myself clean of all dirtiness with good soap so that works. I find myself thinking about this constantly though. It's making it difficult to work. I also don't feel like working but that's not the point.

My older brother has a new girlfriend that I got to meet this weekend too. I approve. She is very cute and very sweet. She's got guts too. The day she met my family...she me my ENTIRE family. You normally start with the immediate but my grandparents, aunts, uncle and cousins were all there. If you've ever met my grandparents you know they are a handful. My grandfather just had a stroke but he's doing much better. It did however have the adverse effect of making him even more of the horny old mad. My bro's girlfriend luckily was able to handle it nicely. But still, it made me think of my life and my relationships.

I wandered my house only to find that my mother had removed pictures of me with my ex which was sad kinda. It's moving forward and all but we looked good. haha. Of course she then had to show me pictures from like 2002 of me with my ex. It was hard on me because I do miss her. It was also hard because my hair style was ridiculous to look at. Times are just getting difficult and with college graduation coming and the possibility of living by myself as my roommates move on becoming very real, I've started to think a lot about my past and my future. It's probably because of the countless MySpace surveys that mention something along the lines of, "Do you have any regrets from previous relationships? Do you wish you could take them back?" The sad/annoying part is I do and they were my fault. The second part of the question always has the same answer: every day.

Word.

P.S. Fuck the LA Marathon. Not only could I not make it back to my apartment but I got in the middle of a gang fight in the middle of f'ing no where!

You ever wake up somwhere and remember what you're doing there but not really sure why you're there? That's this morning.
It was an entertaining evening and all but just doesn't seem right. My mind is on other things...other people.
I'm doing this from my phone so I'll explain more later. There is some comedy as well so stay tuned.
One more thing: Wing Stop is the shit!